Question

How did you deal with the baby's birthday?

I remember feeling a little more down than I had in a long time. It surprised me because I thought I had been doing so well. Almost for the whole month of July (my baby's birth month) I felt more sensitve. And it was like I could remember things from around the time he was born in much better detail. Everything felt so fresh, as if it had only happened a little while ago; not an entire YEAR. I knew from the stories of others that this is pretty much normal. Having a down day isn't a setback or a loss, it's just a down day. It also helps to prepare. My mother, siblings, and I planned a vacation during the second half of July. My birthday also falls in July so my family worked extra hard to make sure that my 24th birthday wasn't overshadowed.

In the packet of information I received before placement there is very helpful section on grieving and healing. One part of that really applies here. "Plan ahead for special days. Birthdays, holidays, and other special events can be difficult times, especially for the first year or two. Give thought beforehand to how you will handle those days. Do things a little differently than you used to as a way of acknowledging this change in your life But also be sure to include your baby's memory somehow during the day. If you do not include the baby in some way, you will spend too much of your energy acting as if nothing has changed with that day, knowing full well that much has changed."

I've also learned that, for me, it's best not to ignore the day. Trying to pretend that it's like any other day won't work. I had a unique first birthday experience in that one of my close friends had a baby boy. Th very same day. our babies are exactly one year apart! I was able to spend Silas's birthday in the hospital holding a newborn boy. I'm sure if I hadn't prepared I would have been a wreck. But it was both a camling and an exciting experience. Holding that little bundle really helped me to see just how far I had come and it also made it very obvious just how big Silas had gotten. :)

Do something that helps you feel close to baby. I wrote a letter to him and I also spent time creating a birthday gift for him. I am a scrapbooker so I made an album that included all his milestones from his first year. I cried and laughed a lot as I looked back over the pictures. It was great to see how much he was growing and I also took time to evaluate myself. I had grown a lot too. I re-read letters and emails from myself and his parents. I didn't really spend the day grieving; I just let myself feel everything. My feelings were a little more sensitive and tender but most of that came from how much I kept thinking of a very tender situation.

I re-read over the section on grieving and healing beforehand and planned some of the suggested activities. I arranged to have people I could talk about my feelings with, I spent time thinking of him, I journaled, I listened to music that I associated with my adoption experience, I spent time by myself and with others. I also worked to make it a day I looked forward to, a day to celebrate the miracle of adoption.