Adoption Matters

LDS Family Services seeks to raise awareness of adoption as a loving choice.

Why is adoption so important?

Numerous studies show that children do better in stable, loving families with both a mother and a father. Most important, children who are adopted by temple-worthy Latter-day Saint couples can be sealed to their parents.
But children are not the only ones who benefit from adoption. Studies show that single mothers who place their children for adoption are more likely to finish school, are less likely to live in poverty, and have fewer physical or emotional health problems.
Contrary to what some may believe, unwed parents who place their children for adoption are not taking “the easy way out” or abandoning their responsibility. Instead, they are placing the needs of their children before their own feelings and desires—the essence of true parenthood. Such a decision is deserving of the highest commendation and respect.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

© 1995 by Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. English approval: 10/95. 35602

Adoption and the Unwed Mother

"Adoption and the Unwed Mother,” Ensign, Feb. 2002, 63

In a letter dated 15 June 1998, the First Presidency reiterated instruction regarding unwed pregnancy given in earlier letters to bishops and stake presidents. This most recent letter states:

“Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by parents who provide love, support, and all the blessings of the gospel. Every effort should be made in helping those who conceive out of wedlock to establish an eternal family relationship. When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely, unwed parents should be encouraged to place the child for adoption, preferably through LDS [Family] Services” (“Policies and Announcements,” Ensign, Apr. 1999, 80).

When the decision is made to place an infant for adoption, the infant is not the only one who benefits. Young women who choose adoption are more likely to complete high school and go on to higher education. They are more likely to be employed and less likely to live in poverty or receive public assistance. They are also less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy (see Kristin A. Moore and others, Adolescent Sex, Contraception, and Childbearing: A Review of Recent Research [1995]; see also Steven D. McLaughlin and others, “Do Adolescents Who Relinquish Their Children Fare Better or Worse Than Those Who Raise Them?” Family Planning Perspectives, Jan.–Feb. 1988, 25–32).

In most cases, teenage unwed fathers are absent from the lives of their children. One noted sociologist cites a number of studies that suggest children who grow up without their fathers are three times more likely to have a child out of wedlock, twice as likely to drop out of high school, and two to three times as likely to have emotional or behavioral problems, and they often become the poorest of the poor (see David Popenoe, Life without Father [1996]).
Since the early 1920s the Church has offered counseling and help with adoptive placement to Latter-day Saint young women who become pregnant out of wedlock. Today there are 59 LDS Family Services offices throughout the United States and Canada, two offices in Australia, and offices in England, New Zealand, and Japan that provide these and a wide variety of other services.

LDS Family Services provides individual counseling to pregnant, unmarried young women to help them restore their hopes and plans for the future. Young women may also wish to participate in group meetings with others in similar situations and in counseling sessions with family members. Some birth mothers request assistance in arranging medical care and temporary housing during the pregnancy. They may also help select the adoptive couple for their baby. All of these services are provided at no cost, and a bishop’s referral is not required.
LDS Family Services also sponsors an Internet site and free crisis telephone service to women pregnant out of wedlock. Anyone may visit the Web site at http://www.itsaboutlove.org/ or call 1-800-537-2229 for information or assistance. Volunteers are available by phone 24 hours a day year-round to answer questions and refer those who desire more information to the agency nearest them.

The decision to place an infant for adoption can be a wrenching one, yet it is an act of selflessness and profound love. The First Presidency letter affirms, “Placing the infant for adoption enables unwed parents to do what is best for the child and enhances the prospect for the blessings of the gospel in the lives of all concerned” (Ensign, Apr. 1999, 80).

Parents to Nurture, Protect, and Love
Marriage is the more honorable thing. This means facing up to responsibility. It means giving the child a name, with parents who together can nurture, protect, and love. When marriage is not possible, experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness. Wise and experienced professional counselors and prayerful bishops can assist in these circumstances." President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 53.

Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for...

Through LDS Family Services, birth mothers have the option of choosing the adoptive family for their baby. You can view adoptive parent profiles online or visit the office nearest you for information about additional couples. After viewing profiles and gathering information with the help of your counselor, you select the couple who will best match what you want for your child. You may also choose to correspond with your adoptive couple and meet them in person before the birth and placement. The process of choosing a family was the most tedious part of the adoption for me. I would spend hours online looking at profile after profile of perspective parents. I tried narrowing down the endless list by setting a criteria of what I was looking for for my baby. I would get so frustrated at times, just wanting there to be an easier way to choose a family. Almost all of the couples would provide very well for a baby and were more than willing to love one. But I just couldn't seem to find the one. I turned to Heavenly Father often, asking for guidance to help this little baby go to the right home.

These are the things I was looking for in an adoptive family:

1. Strong members of the church w/a temple marriage
2. Siblings for baby so he wouldn't be an only child
3. Dad to be a return missionary
4. Physical characteristics that would match w/ baby's probable appearance
5. No biological children, only adopted
6. Parents in the 25-35 age range
7. Mom to be a stay-at-home mother
8. Both parents to be college graduates

LDSFSA...QRSTUV?

How many acronyms can one agency have? When I had told my mother months before about my unexpected pregnancy, she was disappointed. We talked for hours about my options and she was willing to support me in whatever choice I made. I knew at the time that she was really hoping I would choose adoption but it was a decision I had to make on my own. The only thing she really wanted me to do was to watch a video from LDS Family Services. "Where There's Help, There's Hope" was a short video about other single girls in situations similar to mine. I didn't want to think about it at the time so I just brushed off any doubts by telling myself that it didn't apply to me. All those girls were young high school kids that didn't even want their babies. I was in what I thought was a stable relationship and was looking forward to parenthood. It took awhile for tough outer shell to crack but finally I did come to my senses. I realized the only difference between myself and those girls was age. I was no better or smarter than them. I too had made a serious error in judgement. I had given away something so precious without serious thought into the consequences of such reckless behaviour. I was ready to contact LDS Family Services.

Thus began the process of my adoption story. During my first meeting with my counselor, Mark, I shed quite a few tears but I also felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I began to better understand the scripture in Matthew chapter 11. The Savior says, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest...For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." I was so nervous and scared during that first meeting. When I get nervous I sometimes fold things, anything to keep my hands busy so they don't shake. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time but throughout our first meeting, I kept folding up my Kleenex into little squares. By the end of that first visit I had a nice neat little stack of tear-stained Kleenex next to me. This habit of Kleenex origami became one of many things that helped show my personality.

During that meeting, Mark recommended the book "For the Love of Child: The Journey of Adoption" by Monica L. Blume and Gideon O. Burton. Anyone interested in learning more about the adoption process and the LDS perspective, this is a must read. There are so many wonderful stories that brought me to tears. I had to put it down a number of times and pick it back up later because so many of the stories were so very close to my heart.

The blurb on the back cover reads, "The journey of adoption is never easy, but it is one of love and growth that can be powerfully redemptive. Adoption transforms the pain felt by all involved as they experience the ways God works in the lives of many people through one precious child.This book is essential reading for those struggling with the decision to adopt, support an adoption, or place a child for adoption. With thought-provoking, real-life experiences told from a professional perspective, as well as tender personal stories from people whose lives have been changed by adoption, it is filled with useful information and, perhaps even more important, great hope."

Reality Comes for a Visit

One thing that hit hard during my LOA was the reality of my situation. I began second guessing everything about...well, everything. I cared for Ronnie and I liked to think he cared about me. But was that enough? Financially there was no way we could provide for a child. As much as I wanted to give the baby the world, I knew I would barely be able to provide food and shelter. I had so many things that I had hoped to give my family. A stable home with married parents being the foundation. The closer the due date got, the more I realized that Ronnie wanted something very different than what I did. It was like we both had been living in a world all our own without really evaluating things. We had been more so going with the flow, making separate goals and plans, somehow expecting things to just magically work out later on. Realizing I would bear a child only to have it raised in childcare was a wake up call also. I would be so busy paying off debts and trying to keep up with living expenses that the baby would just be brushed aside. I would be willingly make any sacrifice required for the benefit of my baby. As the house of cards I had built around deteriorated, I began to look into other options. I would love the opportunity and blessing of raising a child but I was not willing to do it at the child's expense. I loved my baby enough that I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice. I loved him enough that I would let him go. If I was to be selfish, I would keep him and forge through the unknown, hoping for the best. But it wasn't about my wants anymore, it was about his needs. And he deserved so much more than what I could offer. I would give up everything so that he wouldn't have to give up anything.

There were many times during my last month of pregnancy that I would cry, thinking of the pain and loss I was about to experience. I wished that somehow things could be different, somehow I could make things work. All of the things that made the late nights, the backaches, the upset stomach, and the continuous bathroom breaks worth it seemed to be slipping away. My heart would ache at the thought of handing him to someone else and saying goodbye. I knew that I would receive updates through letters, pictures, and occasionally even visits. I had the support of many loving people and my faith to rely on. It took all the strength I could muster and many nights on me knees to reach the decision to place little Riley for adoption.

Achy Breaky Belly

The tiny being growing in my belly was active and vocal in his own way. Not a day went by that I was not reminded of his presence. A swift kick here or a series of vibrations there. A foot, no matter how small, stuck snugly in your rib cage is not easy to ignore. My baby also seemed particular about what shared his small space. A full stomach or bladder would lead to a lot of protesting movement. To say the first ultrasound was lengthy and uncomfortable is an understatement. The technician found it difficult to get him to stay in one place for more than a minute or two. The more she poked, the more he moved, and the more I just wanted to get it over with.

Physically I didn't encounter much difficulty during my pregnancy until the last couple of months. I was able to stay at work and do all my usual duties. I just took advantage of the opportunity to sit more often. I ate very healthy and was able to avoid any significant swelling or water retention for the most part. I even lost weight during my pregnancy. This is not an issue for someone of my size sthough, so no complaints coming from baby or me about that. Baby was growing steadily in size and always had a strong heartbeat.

Midway through my eighth month (about week 31) I put in my Leave of Absence paperwork (LOA). I was free from work! The major differences were being able to sleep as needed without worrying about work, pajamas were perfectly acceptable attire, and the days seemed much longer without a set schedule. Being on LOA is not to say I was able to lounge out by a pool or play the couch potato. Far from it. I was hitting that nesting stage of my pregnancy and I was cleaning like a mad woman. It was ridiculous really. I celebrate organization on a normal day so I was beginning to border on becoming OCD.

Big News

Almost a year ago I made the hardest decision I hope I ever have to make. I chose to place my baby for adoption. That pivotal decision has lead to some of the greatest blessings and learning experiences in my life.

When I found out I was pregnant, at first, I was so excited. My then boyfriend, Ronnie and I had been looking forward to eventually becoming parents. The idea of raising a child with him seemed like an adventure. Although the timing wasn't what we had hoped for, we both just focused on the excitement and hoped everything else would work itself out. I didn't become aware of my pregnancy until I was already five and half months along. I was stunned to say the least. The pregnancy explained so many mysterious aches and pains over the previous months. Finding out that late in the game made me feel rushed to start getting things together, to prepare for the upcoming arrival. My excitement at the prospect of becoming a mother absorbed all of my limited attention span and distracted me from realistically analyzing my situation.

A barrage of doctor appointments and endless pant sizes later, I was starting to feel pregnant. I felt fat, bloated, tired, and hungry. And usually all at the same time! Poor Ronnie couldn't do anything right at times. I felt starved for attention but I wanted to be left alone at the same time. I became increasingly clingy and cried easily over the smallest things. Hormones and I were not getting along well. I hated not being in control of my emotions, my body, or my schedule. I quickly learned that forgetfulness is a side effect of pregnancy. I shed a few tears over forgotten grocery items, missed appointments, and misplaced objects. I burned, bumped, and even scraped my expanding tummy on many occasions. As the months wore on, I slept less frequently. Some nights not even getting a single wink of sleep. I would sit up late at night finding comfort in visions of tiny fingers and toes, toothless giggles and grins, and all the tired days yet to come.

A New Beginning...

So much in my life has changed drastically in the past year. And predominately for the better. I have reached an apex in my life that most come to after high school. After a few detours and many wrong turns, I am finally on the right path to achieving goals I had set for myself long ago. The path the lays ahead is full of opportunity and adventure; significantly different from the treacherous one behind me. Walk with me as I step forward.