Reality Comes for a Visit

One thing that hit hard during my LOA was the reality of my situation. I began second guessing everything about...well, everything. I cared for Ronnie and I liked to think he cared about me. But was that enough? Financially there was no way we could provide for a child. As much as I wanted to give the baby the world, I knew I would barely be able to provide food and shelter. I had so many things that I had hoped to give my family. A stable home with married parents being the foundation. The closer the due date got, the more I realized that Ronnie wanted something very different than what I did. It was like we both had been living in a world all our own without really evaluating things. We had been more so going with the flow, making separate goals and plans, somehow expecting things to just magically work out later on. Realizing I would bear a child only to have it raised in childcare was a wake up call also. I would be so busy paying off debts and trying to keep up with living expenses that the baby would just be brushed aside. I would be willingly make any sacrifice required for the benefit of my baby. As the house of cards I had built around deteriorated, I began to look into other options. I would love the opportunity and blessing of raising a child but I was not willing to do it at the child's expense. I loved my baby enough that I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice. I loved him enough that I would let him go. If I was to be selfish, I would keep him and forge through the unknown, hoping for the best. But it wasn't about my wants anymore, it was about his needs. And he deserved so much more than what I could offer. I would give up everything so that he wouldn't have to give up anything.

There were many times during my last month of pregnancy that I would cry, thinking of the pain and loss I was about to experience. I wished that somehow things could be different, somehow I could make things work. All of the things that made the late nights, the backaches, the upset stomach, and the continuous bathroom breaks worth it seemed to be slipping away. My heart would ache at the thought of handing him to someone else and saying goodbye. I knew that I would receive updates through letters, pictures, and occasionally even visits. I had the support of many loving people and my faith to rely on. It took all the strength I could muster and many nights on me knees to reach the decision to place little Riley for adoption.