The Grumpy Judge

As of today, it has been exactly 11 months since I last saw Silas. It was our court appearance where I terminated my parental rights and his family officially adopted him. Terminated. I really hated that word. I remember I kept thinking that someone, somewhere surely could have come up with a better term than that. I remember being so nervous about going. As far as what was the most nerve wracking, it was a toss up between seeing the family again or having to be up on the stand.

I really wanted to look cute for Silas, which is probably silly, but I tried to dress up as best I could. It wasn't easy with most of my belongings still packed up from moving back home and the rest not fitting my previously pregnant body. I arrived there almost a half hour early so that I would have plenty of time with the family as soon as they arrived too. I waited anxiously outside of the courtroom with my mom, seated on a hard wood bench trying not to sweat too much. I kept thumbing through the scrapbook I had made for the family, needing something to occupy my hands. I found myself wishing for some of that previous supply of Kleenex so I could build a fort out of squares to hide behind.

My counselor, Mark was in the process of moving cross country and was out of town for my court date so another representative from LDS Family Services was there support me. His name was Darren and he and I had only spoken once or twice previously. His presence there reminded me of Mark's absence and made me wished I could have my old ally back. I was much more comfortable with familiar Mark than the new stand-in.

Finally the family arrived with all four kids in tow. I felt shy about asking to hold him and even about presenting them with the scrapbook. They were so kind and gracious. My only regret from my adoption experience is not choosing a family sooner. I really wish I could have gotten to know them better before placement. It would have been nice having the extra crew of cheerleaders and having added experiences in overcoming my shyness and awkwardness with them.

When it was our turn, we filed into that tiny courtroom with out respective lawyers. My part came first. I was shaking as I walked up to the stand and felt like the judge was glaring at me. Mark had told me before that judges usually enjoy doing adoption proceedings because they are happy events. This particular judge apparently wasn't aware of that tradition. He was grumpy and gruff through the entire proceedings. I was almost too nervous to speak, which wasn't going to work well considering I had a lawyer that had to question me over the phone. Head nods aren't very audible. I was proud of myself though. I only got choked up twice. When I was questioned if I had given birth to baby boy Carter on July 3rd and if it was my request to terminate (ugly word) my parental rights.

Once things got going in court though, they went by so fast. My turn flew by and before I knew I was being asked to step down. Next, it was the parents' turn. It was neat being able to watch their proceedings too. I guess that isn't something that usually happens in adoption cases.

I don't think I really cried until after my mom and I arrived home. It had gone by so fast that I barely had time to process what was happening. I had been looking forward to court ever since I said goodbye to everyone at the hospital weeks before. I was facing doubts and wondering when it was that I would get to see him again. We had an open adoption but it was up to the family and myself to set the parameters. Great. Another chance to work on my shyness...