Stages of Grieving

Patricia Roles identifies and discusses the stages of grief that are often experienced by the woman who chooses adoption for her child.

Grief is not necessarily a smooth, predictable process with one stage following neatly after another. The feelings in one stage may happen at the same time as feelings of another. You may experience the stages in a different order or more than once. Whatever your experience, know that the emotions you feel are a natural result of the loss you have experienced.

1. Numbness and Denial (shock, isolation, panic) At first you may feel numb and confused, like you're experiencing a dream. Things don't quite seem real. Denial is a natural reaction and even a useful emotion as you initially deal with pain/ it is not helpful when prolonged. Don't ignore physical changes or isolate yourself from family and friends. If the denial is not addressed and continues for an extended period, it can interfere with the grieving process.

2. Eruption of Feeling (anger, guilt, depression, sadness, bargaining, jealousy) During this time, you may experience many different emotion including anger and sadness. There may be periodic floods of intense emotions. You may have difficulty sleeping, eating, fatigue, concentrating, and carrying out normal everyday activities. There may be headaches and abdominal pain. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help bring relief. Prolonged anger at others can lead to an unhealthy attachment to the child. Unresolved anger and blame of oneself can lead to depression.

3. Accepting and Owning Your Decision (resolution, responsibility) At this point, you are committed to your decision to place your child for adoption. You feel a peace and comfort and are able to defend your plan to others. You're not blaming others for the circumstances of the pregnancy, but are able to take personal responsibility for the situation and the decisions you have made.

4. Accommodation and Living with Uncertainty (faith) The time will come when you begin to realize that the loss is real. You find was to gradually release your emotions. and do it at appropriate times. Your thought an feelings are under control. You wonder about your child and your future, but find yourself more able to live with uncertainties. It's natural to think "What if..." without feeling deep regret or remorse.

5. Re-evaluation and Rebuilding (hope, going forward, getting on with life) As a birth mother who has selected adoption, you build self-confidence on a new foundation. There is a continued process of re-evaluating yourself and getting past the guilt and shame you may have felt earlier. You feel a "renewal." You place the adoption plan in the context of your whole life and no longer center life around this decision. You build relationships with more confidence in your own decision making. You view yourself more positively and are able to experience joy and peace.