Adjusting

I'm not a freak! That may seem obvious to some but whne you haven't lived a very "Molly Mormon" life in a very obvious way, you feel really self concsious about letting others get to know you. Rejection is a scary thing.

I have gotten to know my roommates pretty well and even made a few friends in my classes. In each class I have my "buddy" that I sit with every day, walk from class with, and even remember thier names. These buddies are those that I'm learning to relax and be myself around. This past month I have waited for the opportunity and talked with each other them about my adoption experiences. The most common reaction was, "Oh! Now I get it." Apparently this information is like some missing piece that explains some things and fills in some of the holes.

No one ran away shrieking or shunned me. All of these friends embraced the idea, some even embraced me(gotta love hugs!). Most had questions and we've talked about it on numerous occassions. I've learned to not be so intimidated by my past or sharing it with others. It feel good to talk about all that I've learned and worked beyond in recent years. And of course, how could I pass up on the opportunity to brag on Silas? Cutest kid ever!

New Adventures

Well, here I am. Hundreads of miles away from home and all the seems familiar. I've accomlished one of my major goals: I am begining college classes tomorrow. I am so nervous and scared. I was so excited to start this new chapter in my life but now...I dunno. I find myself missing all the comfortable and familiar surroundings of home.

Being 24 years old and a fresman is tough in and of itself. Take into account I have spent the past four years living on my own, working, and running my own home, college becomes an even more daunting task. Downright intimidating! Now, let's remember that I am a birthmom, just over a year later and I'm still learning what kind of a role and affect these experiences have had on me. I've been here at school for almost a week and I'm feeling a little lost. I'm timid to just jump out and share this very big part of myself with the people that I meet but when I don't I almost feel like I'm hiding.

I haven't had to deal with deciding the who to tell, who not to tell, how much to tell kind of questions before now. It's kind of stressful! I feel good about my decisions and my progress but I still feel a little like an outsider. I'm worried that other students will have a hard time accepting me or seeing beyond my role as a birthparent. Yes, it is something that has affected me in a profound way BUT it is not my identity.

Am I too concerned? Too cautious? I'm not sure. All I do know is that this semester is full of chances to answer those questions. I've worked so hard to get here and I'm ready for the challenge. Bring on the adventure!

Cutest Kid

I have sadly not been keeping up with posts very well since July. I haven't been sure of what to include. I am just dropping in to add some recent pictures of Silas. I have been very busy busy and an update will follow shortly.

Dear Baby...

The following is a copy of the letter that I included in Silas's birthday scrapbook that he will be able to read someday.

Dear Silas-

Happy First Birthday! What an amazing year it has been. You have grown up so fast and I really feel like I’ve been growing up right along with you. So many good things have happened for both of us this year. Today, I am constantly thinking back to the day that you were born. What a busy day! You were perfect right from the start. You were born after only nine hours of labor and came into the world face up. I like to think it is because you were geared up and ready to meet your family. I didn’t choose your mom and dad until the day you were born. They were instant parents and they handled it beautifully like old pros. When they came to the hospital the next day, your brother and sisters couldn’t wait to meet “baby brother.” Isaac was so exited about having a little brother; he thought you even looked a lot like him. They loved you before they had even met you. I don’t think that I really “picked out” a family for you, they were already your family, and we just had to find them.

It wasn’t an easy thing placing you for adoption; it was actually the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I knew I just couldn’t deny the strong feelings I had that you weren’t mine. I was just the babysitter until your mom and dad could come. Never doubt that I love you though. You have taught me so much about true, unconditional love. Your life has created a lot of positive ripples, so many of those in my own life. Never doubt the effect one person can have either. You’ve helped give me the courage to return to church and once again pursue goals I had set for myself long ago. One thing I decided way back in July of last year was the type of person I would become. I wanted to be someone that you could be proud of, someone that you could look up to as an example. I have kept that in mind as I have made decisions and really think you would be proud. I have made so much progress this year. As you are taking your first steps, I am taking my own baby steps on the road of life. I’m including some song lyrics along with this letter. It is a beautiful song about adoption. It really makes me think of you. I always get a little misty whenever I hear it. Once again, Happy Birthday! I love you so much. You will always be in my heart and in my prayers.

Lots of love, hugs, and kisses,

Stephanie

The song lyrics I included in the letter were from a song
by Michael McLean titled From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours.

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure if I could ever hope to trust my judgment anymore. But lately I've been thinking, because it's all I've had to do. And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

Chorus:And maybe you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before by someone who delivered your son from God's arms to my arms to yours.

And if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know how the one who gave him life could bear to let him go, just tell him there was sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floor and knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.

Chorus

I know that you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me the first time that he ties his shoe or falls or skins his knees?and could you hold him twice as long when he makes his first mistake and try to tell him that he's not alone? Sometimes that's all it takes. And he's not alone. I know how much he'll ache.

Chorus

This may not be the answer for another girl like me and I'm not on a soap box singing how we all should be. I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above,and I'm trusting that you can give this baby both his mother's love.

Crazy Kid

Oh. My. Goodness. Pictures do not even begin to show how cute this kid is! He is such a chubby, happy baby. Being able to see him in person was quite an experience, in all the best ways. My mother and I met the family at a park for lunch. We all had a nice picnic lunch, exchanged some gifts, and just talked as if no time had passed since our last visit. I like to give his siblings gifts whenever I give him something so I brought bubbles for them to play with. I remember loving bubbles when I was their age and they seemed to get a kick out of it too. It was so wonderful being able to talk with and see the family. i had been so nervous but that eventually gave way to excitement. it turned out that it wasn't awkward for me at all and it didn't seem like it was for them either. The only thing that was hard was realizing that, to Silas, I was a stranger. He didn't know me so he didn't like me holding him. It's understandable but I just wish I could have gotten a better picture with him. He loves the camera and totally hams it up whenever someone takes his picture but it was hard trying to get him to pose with me. Apparently, his way of smiling right now consists of throwing his mouth wide open and showing off his teeth. What a cutie! I look forward to visits in the future when he's more mobile and capable of play. He's not quite walking yet so just being held or sitting while others got to play was a bit frustrating for him. What a great baby and an awesome family!

ONE YEAR

Happy First Birthday! It is hard to believe that it has been a full year already. I can only shake my head in disbelief as I look back on what had taken place in my life during that time. The Lord has truly blessed me in so many ways. As Silas has been growing and developing, I have been doing the same in my life, though in a different capacity. I am so grateful for everything that has happened, both the good and the bad. These experiences are what have helped mold me into the person I am today.

I am looking forward to seeing the family again in a couple of days. Who am I kidding? I am downright giddy. How fun it will be to see everyone in person instead of just photographs. I have a special love towards Silas's siblings so I am excited to see them again also. I have really gone back and forth over what I could give Silas as a birthday present, he is provided for so well that I worry about giving him something he already has. I finally decided on creating a scrapbook. Scrapbooks might turn into an annual tradition yet! It is a themed book, the ABC's of his first year. A is for adorable, B for baby brother, etc. It is coming along nicely but I have a feeling I will be up late on Friday putting the finishing touches on for Saturday morning.

Milestones

Halfway through June which means its almost time. Silas will be a year old soon. I have lunch date set for July 5th with the whole family. My mom will be coming also. I'm so exciting about being able to see in person just how big that little baby has gotten. Once again, I want to look really nice for Silas, I know. He won't even remember and by the time he's looking at the pictures, my clothes with be outdated anyways. Hopefully I will be able to prepare myself better this time. We are tentatively planning on meeting each year between his birthday on the July 3rd and mine on July 21st.
I have corresponded regularly, at least once a month, with the family all year. A part of me want to include those letters on this blog but, for now, they are still very personal. Reading over them really helps me to see the progress I have made in the past year. While Silas busy growing physically and mentally, I have been growing spiritually and emotionally. Preparing for the upcoming visit has caused me to look back and reflect on the goals I had set for myself. What a difference a year makes! I have been able to accomplish all of my goals for the most part. Some are continual things that I am constantly adding to but when the one year mark does come, I can say that I have completed everything I set out to do.

My theme for 2007 was someting taken from President Spencer W. Kimball, "Do it." Simple and direct. When it came to everything that I was working on, that was the best advice I could give myself. Just do it. My theme for 2008 is taken from the scriptures. In Malachi 3:10 it reads: “…prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

I'm trying my best, doing all that I can to be obedient. I've gone through so many trials and heartache this past year and overcome a lot. I really feel that there is so much good ahead, blessings that Heavenly Father is just ready and waiting to pour down upon me. It is such an exciting time. All the good things that will weigh out that bad times are just around the corner as long as I continue doing the things that I should.

The Grumpy Judge

As of today, it has been exactly 11 months since I last saw Silas. It was our court appearance where I terminated my parental rights and his family officially adopted him. Terminated. I really hated that word. I remember I kept thinking that someone, somewhere surely could have come up with a better term than that. I remember being so nervous about going. As far as what was the most nerve wracking, it was a toss up between seeing the family again or having to be up on the stand.

I really wanted to look cute for Silas, which is probably silly, but I tried to dress up as best I could. It wasn't easy with most of my belongings still packed up from moving back home and the rest not fitting my previously pregnant body. I arrived there almost a half hour early so that I would have plenty of time with the family as soon as they arrived too. I waited anxiously outside of the courtroom with my mom, seated on a hard wood bench trying not to sweat too much. I kept thumbing through the scrapbook I had made for the family, needing something to occupy my hands. I found myself wishing for some of that previous supply of Kleenex so I could build a fort out of squares to hide behind.

My counselor, Mark was in the process of moving cross country and was out of town for my court date so another representative from LDS Family Services was there support me. His name was Darren and he and I had only spoken once or twice previously. His presence there reminded me of Mark's absence and made me wished I could have my old ally back. I was much more comfortable with familiar Mark than the new stand-in.

Finally the family arrived with all four kids in tow. I felt shy about asking to hold him and even about presenting them with the scrapbook. They were so kind and gracious. My only regret from my adoption experience is not choosing a family sooner. I really wish I could have gotten to know them better before placement. It would have been nice having the extra crew of cheerleaders and having added experiences in overcoming my shyness and awkwardness with them.

When it was our turn, we filed into that tiny courtroom with out respective lawyers. My part came first. I was shaking as I walked up to the stand and felt like the judge was glaring at me. Mark had told me before that judges usually enjoy doing adoption proceedings because they are happy events. This particular judge apparently wasn't aware of that tradition. He was grumpy and gruff through the entire proceedings. I was almost too nervous to speak, which wasn't going to work well considering I had a lawyer that had to question me over the phone. Head nods aren't very audible. I was proud of myself though. I only got choked up twice. When I was questioned if I had given birth to baby boy Carter on July 3rd and if it was my request to terminate (ugly word) my parental rights.

Once things got going in court though, they went by so fast. My turn flew by and before I knew I was being asked to step down. Next, it was the parents' turn. It was neat being able to watch their proceedings too. I guess that isn't something that usually happens in adoption cases.

I don't think I really cried until after my mom and I arrived home. It had gone by so fast that I barely had time to process what was happening. I had been looking forward to court ever since I said goodbye to everyone at the hospital weeks before. I was facing doubts and wondering when it was that I would get to see him again. We had an open adoption but it was up to the family and myself to set the parameters. Great. Another chance to work on my shyness...

Adoption- The Healing Experience (cont'd)

Give your self a break from grief.
Just because you are grieving does not mean you must always be feeling sad or forlorn. There is value in sometimes consciously deciding that you will think about something else for awhile, or that you will do something you have always enjoyed doing. Sometimes this happens naturally and it is only later you realize that your grief has taken a backseat. Let it. This is not an indication you love your baby any less, or that you forgotten him/her. It is a sign that you are human and you need relief from the unrelenting pressure. It can also be a healthy sign that you are healing.

See a grief counselor.
If you are concerned about how you are feeling and how well you are adapting, make an appointment with a counselor who specializes in grief. Often you will learn what you need, both about grief and about yourself as a griever.

Listen to music.
Choose music you believe will help you at a given moment, whether it is contemporary or classical, instrumental or vocal, secular or religious. Let the sounds surround you and soothe you. Take music with you, if you wish, as you go about your day.

Invite someone to be your phone buddy.
If your grief and sadness hits you especially hard at times and you have no one nearby to turn to, ask someone you trust to be your phone buddy. Ask their permission for you to call them whenever you feel you are at loose ends day or night. Then put their number beside your phone and call them if you need them. So not abuse the privilege, of course.

Avoid certain people if you must.
No one likes to be unfriendly or cold. But if there are people in your life who make it very difficult for you to do your grieving, then do what you can to stay out of their way. Some people may lecture you, or belittle you, or antagonize you, wither knowingly or unknowingly. Take care of your health during your grieving, including your emotional health. If that means protecting yourself from others for awhile, then do so.

Structure time alone.
You may have your full share of alone time, in which case you will want to ignore this suggestion. But if you are often among family or friends, make sure you also have time to be by yourself. A large part of the grieving process involves what goes on inside yourself- your thoughts, your feelings, your memories, your hopes and dreams. So allow yourself the opportunity to go inside so you can grow inside.

Screen your entertainment.
Some TV shows and movies are best not viewed when you are in deep grief. The same goes for certain books or articles. If you have any question, do a bit of research before you find yourself in the midst of an experience which brings up too many feelings for you to handle comfortably.

Read practical books and articles on grief.
Reading is a great way to find your way through this grieving experience. You may find it helpful to read how others have grieved through adoption placement.

Engage your soul.
You will want to do this in your own way. Some people meditate, some pray, and some spend time alone in nature. Some worship with a congregation and others do it on their own. include your soul as you grow through your grief.

Plan ahead for special days.
Birthdays, holidays, and other special events can be difficult times, especially for the first year or two. Give thought beforehand to how you will handle those days. Do things a little differently than you used to as a way of acknowledging this change in your life But also be sure to include your baby's memory somehow during the day. If you do not include the baby in some way, you will spend too much of your energy acting as if nothing has changed with that day, knowing full well that much has changed.

Allow yourself to laugh.
Sometimes funny things will happen to you, just like it used to. When that happens, go ahead and laugh if it feel good. Yo won't be desecrating your baby's memory. You will be consecrating his/her existence as well as your own.

Allow yourself to cry.
Crying goes naturally with grief. Tears well up and fall even when you least expect them. Subdues sniffles can become racking sobs on a moment's notice. It may feel awkward to you, but this is not unusual for a person in your situation. A good rule of thumb is this: if you feel like crying, then cry. If not, then don't.

Vent your anger rather than hold it in.
You may feel awkward being angry when you are grieving, but anger is a common reaction. The expression holds true: anger is best out floating rather than in bloating. Even if you feel ashamed as you do it, find ways to get it out of your system.

Eat healthy.
Your diet affects how you think and feel as well as how your body acts. Eat balanced meals. Eat even if you are not hungry. Eat regular meals rather than just snacking and avoid too much fat.

Do something to help someone else.
Step out of your own problems from time to time and devote your attention to someone else. Offer a gift of your service. Do this for yourself as much as for the other. Feel good about your worth.

Write down what you learn from your experience.
Your grief experience will have much to teach you. From time to time reflect upon what it is you are learning. State it as plainly as you are able. Carry those lessons with you as you go about your days.

Self-Doubts and regrets.
Grief is pain, and when people hurt they often begin to wonder if they did something wrong or made a wrong decision. There may be the sense that "if only I could do it again, I would..." or "I should have..." This kind of self doubt can rob you of peace of mind, or cause you to question your choice. These are all natural consequences of grief and pain. Remind yourself that your choice was made with great care and contemplation. It was a good choice when you made it, and it is a good choice now.

Information compiled by-
Gloria Robbins
December 1996
LDS Social Services

Adoption-The Healing Experience

Following are many ideas to help people who are mourning. Different kinds of losses dictate different responses, so not all of these ideas will suit everyone. Likewise, no tow people grieve alike- what works for one may not work for another. Treat this list for it is: A gathering of assorted suggestions that various people have tried with success. Perhaps what helped them through their grief will help you. The emphasis here is upon specific, practical ideas.

Talk regularly with a friend.
Talking with another about what you think and feel is one of the best things you can do for yourself. it helps relieve some of the pressure you may feel, it can give you a sense of perspective, and it lee[s you in touch with others. Look for someone who is a good listener and caring soul. Then speak what is on your mind and in your heart. And the time will come when you will have the chance to be a good listener for someone else. You will be a better listener then if you are a good talker now.

Go for walks.
Go for walks outside everyday if you can. Do not overdo it, but walk briskly enough that it feels invigorating. Sometimes try walking slowly enough you can look carefully at whatever you want to see. Observe what nature has to offer you, what it can teach you. Enjoy as much as you are able . If you like, walk with another person.

Carry/Wear a linking object.
Carry something in your pocket or purse that reminds you of your baby- a keepsake for just this propose. Whenever you want, reach for it or gaze upon this object and remember what it signifies.

Create a memory book.
Compile photographs and other mementos which document your baby's existence. Arrange them into some order so they tell a story. Put all this all in a special binder and share it with those people you feel comfortable to do so. Go through it on your own from time to time if you feel the need.

Recall your dreams.
Your dreams often have important things to say about your feelings. Your dreams may be scary or sad, especially early on. They may seem weird or crazy to you. You may find that your baby appears in your dreams. Accept dreams for what they are and see what you can learn from them. No one knows better than you.

Tell people what helps you and what does not.
People around you may not understand what you need. So tell them. If hearing your baby's name spoken aloud by others feels good, say so. If you need more time alone, or assistance with chores you are unable to complete, or even an occasional hug be honest. People cannot read your mind, so you have to speak it.

Write things down.
Most people who are grieving become more forgetful than usual. So help yourself remember what you want by keeping track of it on paper or with whatever system works best for you. This may include writing down the things you want to preserve about your pregnancy and delivery; or perhaps your placement experience.

Plant something as a memorial.
Plant a flower, a bush, or a tree in memory of your baby. Do this ceremonially if you wish, perhaps with others present. If you do this planting where you live, you can watch it grow and change day by day, season by season. You can even make it a part of special times of remembrance in the future.

Purchase something soft to sleep with.
A teddy bear is a favorite choice for some, but there are other options, such as a soft blanket. Select something the feels warm and cuddly, then, whatever you age, cuddle with it.

Plan at least one thing you will do each do.
Even if your grief is very painful and your energy very low, plan to complete at least one thing each day, even if it is a small thing. Then follow though with your plan, day after day. Do not feel you have to keep busy all day long, that can become awfully tiring and even counter-productive. Just help yourself feel that you are not entirely at the mercy of this overwhelming experience- there are some things you can do to help you through this time.

Journal writing.
Write out your thoughts and feelings. Do this whenever you feel the urge, but do it at least several times a week, if not several times a day. Do not censor what you write- be just as honest as you can. In time, go back through your writings and notice how you are changing and growing. Write about that too.

Rest.
Grieving is hard work. So do what is best for you; get your rest. Take naps if you wish. Lie down from time to time. Relax in a comfortable chair. Pace yourself so you have interludes in which you can replenish yourself. Give yourself plenty of permission to take things easy.

Get physical.
If you feel inclined, begin an exercise program that will to strengthen an invigorate you. Maybe you could choose a partner to share your program.

Create a memory area at home.
In a space that feels appropriate, arrange smalla rea that honors the baby; a framed photograph or two, or seomthing that has special meaning for you.

Consider a support group.
Spending time with a small group of people who have undergone a similar life experience can be very therapeutic. You can discover how natural your feelings are. You can learn from the experiences and ideas of others. YOu can find the support you need to continue with your future plans.

Drink water.
Grieving people can easily become dehydrated. Crying can naturally lead to that and with your normal routines turned upside down, you may simply not drink as much or as regularly as you did. Make this one way you care for yourself.

Use your hands.
Soemtime there is value in doing repetitive things with your hands, something you don't have to think about very much beacuse it becomes second nature. Knitting and crocheting are examples.

(continued with more tomorrow)

Tender Mercies

Tender Mercies of the Lord-Elder David A. Bednar
Link

Another talk I LOVE! I have been so acutely aware of all the great and small ways in which the Lord has shown that He loves me and is proud of the decisions and progress I am making. There are just so many instances. Elder Bednar describes tender mercies as being “the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.” I never really knew what label to give these instances and “tender mercies” is such a fitting name. They are not just “nice coincidence[s]” the tender mercies of the Lord are “real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.”

All through the decision making process of adoption there were so many little reassurances that despite my past I was very loved and that I was making the right decision. It seemed that anytime I would start to waiver in my resolve to do what was right, I would meet someone whose life had been touched by adoption in some way. A sister at church, a friend from work, my delivery nurse, and even the hospital's social worker all had wonderful experiences they shared with me. Surprisingly enough, I never met anyone who had a bad experience, this in itself being a tender mercy. There were times that one negative word was all it would have taken for me back out of everything.

Another example was the visiting teachers I was assigned. One sister was a excellent example of the kind of mother I wanted to become and the other sister’s own daughter had placed a son a few years prior. The experience and insight they were able to lend me was a godsend. These sweet sisters have helped me in enumerable ways and have definitely impacted my life for good. I consider both to be more than just my visiting teachers, I consider them friends. In my life since placement I have been able witness the Lord’s tender mercies; blessing me, guiding me as I strive to continue to live worthy of His forgiveness and sacrifice.

Another Great Article

Why Adoption? January 2008 Ensign

In placing their faith in the Lord as they make a truly selfless choice, many unwed birth mothers find that from the ashes of their deepest pain, He makes something beautiful— for her, the baby, and a loving family.

When Chuck and Rachael Sharp learned they would not be able to conceive a baby, Rachael thought her heart would break. She had yearned to be a mother, and she knew Chuck would be a wonderful father. For years the couple had dreamed of skiing and camping trips with their children, of noisy conversations around the dinner table, of music lessons and parties with cousins and picnics in the park. What would they do with all of those dreams?

That same year, in another city, Jessica Anderson (name has been changed) was struggling with heartbreak of her own. She had recently learned she was pregnant and the father didn’t want to be involved. Her mind reeled with questions: With so little education, how would she financially support her child? How could she fill the roles of both a mother and a father? What kind of future could she provide?

For the full article: Click here

Wise Men, Wise Words

I've recently read Healing Soul and Body by Elder Robert D. Hales. I love this talk! I only wish I had found it a year ago. All of the principles discussed still apply today and this talk is a wonderful summary of many things that I have learned slowly as I have grown in faith and testimony over the past year. This has been a very humbling learning process that has changed me in innumerable ways. I can attest to having a “mighty change of heart” that Elder Hales refers to and can relate personally to the experience of Alma the Younger when visited upon by an angle of the Lord. “There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains…On the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.” (Alma 36:21)

I have never felt more unworthy, more alone, or more scared than I did when I found out I was pregnant. I was so unsure of what to do, feeling so confused. Looking back now though, I feel that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. “Our Savior knows the heart of each of us. He knows the pain of our hearts. If we seek the truth, develop faith in Him, and, if necessary, sincerely repent, we will receive a spiritual change of heart which only comes from our Savior. Our hearts will become new again.”

Since then my life has made a complete change and I am in a much better place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I know that I was very blessed and watched over. It does take strength to make the decision to place but it is not something that I could have ever done on my own. Learning to rely on “caregivers” and to allow others to do service for me was not easy at first. “There are times when, no matter how independent we may be, we must entrust others with our care. We must surrender ourselves to them. Our caregivers are those who assist with the healing process.” I had to find faith to trust in the Lord that great pain and sorrow can be replaced with joy and peace.

Everything can be so scary; feelings of not knowing can be overwhelming. Even after placement I was second guessing things, wondering “what if.” Like in Elder Hales’s experience, dwelling on pain will only “inhibit the healing process.” On this Elder Hales said, “I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if onlys for which there likely will given no answers in mortality. To receive the Lord’s comfort, we must first exercise faith…These questions detract from our spirituality and can destroy our faith.” A talk I read by Richard L. Evans referred to this as “rearview living” saying that “those who look too much upon the past…are running the some of the same risk as the driver who keeps eyes too much upon his rear-view mirror and is inattentive to the road ahead.”

It took time to progress from asking myself “what if?” to “what now?” I had made a decision and had felt the confirmation of the Spirit; it was time to focus on what was ahead of me. I have learned, and continue to learn, and grow from the experience; it is not something I regret. I echo Elder Hales sentiment in that “it is an experience I am grateful to have endured.”

Read full talk by Elder Hales in November 1998 Ensign.
Link

The Book of Mormon Challenge

In August of 2005, President Gordon B. Hinckley challenged all members to read the entire Book of Mormon before the year's end. "We studied the Book of Mormon in Sunday School this past year. Nonetheless I offer a challenge to members of the Church throughout the world and to our friends everywhere to read or reread the Book of Mormon. If you will read a bit more than one and one-half chapters a day, you will be able to finish the book before the end of this year. ...Without reservation I promise you that if each of you will observe this simple program, regardless of how many times you previously may have read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God." (See August 2005 Ensign, First Presidency Message.)

During the summer I gave myself the same challenge, to reread this book of scripture and to study its pages. I accepted the challenge whole-heartedly and began reading my Book of Mormon every spare moment that I could. As I would read during my lunch break at work, I would often be interrupted by inquires into what I was reading so intently. In this way I was blessed with opportunities to talk about the gospel with others in a non-intrusive way. By not beginning my reading until midway through the year, I had a lot of catching up to do. I was unable to complete the Book of Mormon by the end of December but I did finish by the end of January. I enjoyed accepting the challenge first given by President Hinckley so much, that I have once again challenged myself to reread the Book of Mormon for this year.

Thoughts of Encouragement

This is an inscription from a card I received a week or two after placement:

As one door is closed in your life, a new one opens before you. Take a moment to pause briefly
at this threshold, and know that you are moving forward and that this is for the best.
Approach this new door with great confidence in your heart, for you have so much to offer and much to look forward to.
Open each new door with trust,
holding your hopes and dreams very near...
knowing that the world is waiting for
the goodness and the love you carry with you.

M.E Miro

Sweet Song

Ordinary Day by Nick Lachey is a song I came across on iTunes that I absolutely love. It is supposed to be a love song but I think it applies to the way I feel about Silas sometimes. Here are the lyrics:

I wish I could tell you
The things I never got the chance to
I wish I was with you now
To see you smile again
I wish we had more time
But time goes by so fast
The moment comes and
Then the moment passes by
In the blink of an eye

And If I had one wish
I Wouldn't ask for money
I wouldn't ask for fame
I wouldn't ask for the power to
Make this world change
If I could have one thing
That one thing that I would chose
Is one more ordinary day with you
With you

I wish I could see you
And be there where my arms could reach you
I wish I could let you know
How much you touch my life
Maybe a little time is all the time we get
The Words we long to say are words that go unsaid
You can't go back again

But if I had one wish
I Wouldn't ask for money
I wouldn't ask for fame
I wouldn't ask for the power to
Make this world change
If I could have one thing
That one thing that I would chose
Is one more ordinary day
With you

I wish we had more time
Time goes by so fast
The moment comes and
Then the moment passes by
In the blink of an eye

But if I had one wish
I Wouldn't ask for money
I wouldn't ask for fame
I wouldn't ask for the power to
Make this world change, no
If I could have one thing
That one thing that I would chose
Is one more ordinary day
Just one more ordinary day with you
With you

Adoption Myths

Most birth mothers who place their babies for adoption are teenagers. Most birth mothers who choose adoption are in their early twenties, although women of all ages make this decision.

Birth parents who place their babies for adoption are abandoning their responsibility and taking the “easy way out.” There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy; any option involves emotional pain. Most birth mothers who do not choose abortion make the choice initially to parent their babies. Those who choose adoption do so after taking some time to carefully consider their options and the best interests of their child. Adoption is a courageous, loving choice which shows that the birth mother takes seriously the responsibility to be a parent.

An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent can. Love is not based on biology. Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.

A birth mother can reclaim her child after adoption. Once a birth mother’s rights have been terminated, she cannot reclaim her child. Cases of birth parents obtaining custody after adoption are extremely rare and are exaggerated by the media.

After a child has been placed, a birth mother cannot have any contact with the child. Adoption practices have changed over the years. Today most birth mothers have some contact with their children. Arrangements are agreed upon by the birth mother and the adoptive parents and are based upon the needs and desires of all concerned.

Children who were adopted are more likely to have physical or emotional challenges. It is impossible to predict how any child will turn out, whether biological or adopted. Generally, children who were adopted as infants are as emotionally healthy as children who were not adopted. Children who were adopted when older may have challenges resulting from adverse conditions in their early lives, such as neglect, abuse, or lack of attachment. These challenges do not result from the adoption itself.

Birth mothers never recover from the emotional pain of placing a child for adoption. Birth mothers who choose adoption go through a grieving process, which is a healthy way of dealing with loss. But most birth mothers also report finding peace in the knowledge that they did all in their power to provide the best life possible for their child. They find that the experience gives them the strength and confidence to face other challenges throughout their lives.

For more information about LDS Family Services adoption services, please call 1-800-537-2229 or visit itsaboutlove.org

Setting Goals

One thing I realized early on was that setting good goals and working towards them helped me with the healing process both physically and emotionally. I had come a long way in just a few short months but what did I really want to accomplish now? I had my whole life ahead of my with an endless sea of possibilities. I remembered well the long hard road behind me and I knew that I didn't want to return to such perilous times. I wanted something better for myself and I knew deep in my heart that my loving Heavenly Father did also. So I went about making a list of the things I wanted to accomplish over the next year.

1. Pay off major debts
2. Bear testimony publicly at least once
3. Attend institute weekly
4. Overcome shyness in public settings by:
Participating in class discussions
Asking questions
Volunteer for things the require public speaking
Approaching others first
5. Do service for others regularly
6. Read entire Book of Mormon before January 2008
7. Attend all my church meetings faithfully
8. Develop good habits of prayer and scripture study
9. Communicate better and more frequently with family
10. Make new friends who will be positive influences
11. Return to college (if possible, at a Church school)
12. Keep a journal to record this experience

Keepsakes

When I arrived home from the hospital, the first thing I did after settling in was to grab my camera and review all the pictures I had taken. It still seemed surreal. I couldn't believe that just a couple of day ago I had given birth. I wanted to write everything down so that I wouldn't forget my feelings, thoughts, or just the experience as a whole. I did a good job at first keeping up with a journal, but once life began to return to normal and I moved forward, my journaling habits were lefty behind.

A project I started the day after leaving the hospital was to make a mini-scrapbook for the family. There were many things that they had missed out on because I didn't choose them until after the birth. Silas's first day or two of being on the earth being the primary ones. I printed of a ton of pictures and gathered some mementos from my pregnancy and went to work. I chose baby boy themed paper and included things like my ultrasound DVDs and pictures. It was to serve as a mini-brag book of their newest family member. I was released from the hospital on the afternoon of Thursday the 6th of July. Our court date was set for the 16th. I wanted to have the book completed and give it to them then.

In the hospital the family had given me a stuffed monkey as a gift, along with some pretty flowers. I had one and Silas would have one. It was a tradition they had started with their first child's birth mom years before. This little monkey is another example of a tender mercy. One nickname I had given Silas while I was pregnant was "Monkey" because it felt like he was always dangling from my ribcage. The family didin't know this but it was so fitting that they had chosen this specific animal. Monkey has become a kind of a mascot for me and something that I can snuggle with. In months following placement and even now, I use Monkey in pictures to send to the family with our letters to let them know what I'm up to and what places I am going.

Stages of Grieving

Patricia Roles identifies and discusses the stages of grief that are often experienced by the woman who chooses adoption for her child.

Grief is not necessarily a smooth, predictable process with one stage following neatly after another. The feelings in one stage may happen at the same time as feelings of another. You may experience the stages in a different order or more than once. Whatever your experience, know that the emotions you feel are a natural result of the loss you have experienced.

1. Numbness and Denial (shock, isolation, panic) At first you may feel numb and confused, like you're experiencing a dream. Things don't quite seem real. Denial is a natural reaction and even a useful emotion as you initially deal with pain/ it is not helpful when prolonged. Don't ignore physical changes or isolate yourself from family and friends. If the denial is not addressed and continues for an extended period, it can interfere with the grieving process.

2. Eruption of Feeling (anger, guilt, depression, sadness, bargaining, jealousy) During this time, you may experience many different emotion including anger and sadness. There may be periodic floods of intense emotions. You may have difficulty sleeping, eating, fatigue, concentrating, and carrying out normal everyday activities. There may be headaches and abdominal pain. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help bring relief. Prolonged anger at others can lead to an unhealthy attachment to the child. Unresolved anger and blame of oneself can lead to depression.

3. Accepting and Owning Your Decision (resolution, responsibility) At this point, you are committed to your decision to place your child for adoption. You feel a peace and comfort and are able to defend your plan to others. You're not blaming others for the circumstances of the pregnancy, but are able to take personal responsibility for the situation and the decisions you have made.

4. Accommodation and Living with Uncertainty (faith) The time will come when you begin to realize that the loss is real. You find was to gradually release your emotions. and do it at appropriate times. Your thought an feelings are under control. You wonder about your child and your future, but find yourself more able to live with uncertainties. It's natural to think "What if..." without feeling deep regret or remorse.

5. Re-evaluation and Rebuilding (hope, going forward, getting on with life) As a birth mother who has selected adoption, you build self-confidence on a new foundation. There is a continued process of re-evaluating yourself and getting past the guilt and shame you may have felt earlier. You feel a "renewal." You place the adoption plan in the context of your whole life and no longer center life around this decision. You build relationships with more confidence in your own decision making. You view yourself more positively and are able to experience joy and peace.